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Jokes – pregnancy, kids etc.

Please feel free to email us with any of your own!

If men got Pregnant

  • Maternity leave would last two years... with full pay.
  • There would be a cure for stretch marks.
  • Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
  • Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
  • All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
  • Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
  • Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
  • They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
  • Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
  • Breifcases would be used as changing bags.
  • Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
  • They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
  • Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main courses.
  • Women would rule the world.
  • All babies would be fast asleep no matter what - in time for kick off on Sky Sports

A Pregnant Wife Joke

  • A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
  • "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
  • "No!", the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

Baby names

A pregnant woman was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, 'Doctor, what happened to my baby!' The doctor replied, 'Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you.' 'Oh, no!' shrieked the woman. 'Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!' The doctor replied, 'Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise.' 'Oh, that's no so bad,' smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, 'What's the boy's name?' The doctor grinned and said, 'Denephew.

Another pregnant wife joke!

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you if its still okay..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Pregnancy and Birth – F.A.Q.

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
A: You'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
A: A misconception.

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
A: Have sex just once a year.

Q: What is a chastity belt ?
A: A labor-saving device.

Q: When does a woman's biological clock start ticking ?
A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God, crow's feet !"

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex ?
A: Childbirth

Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ?
A. No, 35 children is way too many already

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes secondary school 

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu ?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better

Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory ?
A: Most of the ladies I asked don't remember

Q: My breasts, bum & even my feet have grown.  Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
A: Yes, your bladder

Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving ?
A: Depends on what your doing with them

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why ?
A: Cause you're fatter then they are,

Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question ?

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labour ?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman

Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold ?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him

Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder

Q: What are forceps ?
A: Giant baby tweezers

Q: What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman ?
A: Brute force

Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped ?
A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful !

Q: How long is the average woman in labour ?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two

Q: My midwife says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right ?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant

Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in laboor ?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" is a concern for you

Q: I'm modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position ?
A: Authorized hospital personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning ?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ?
A: Yes, pregnancy

Q: Does labour cause hemorrhoids ?
A: Labour causes anything you want to blame it for

Q: When should a baby not be circumcised ?
A: When it's a girl.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk ?
A: In your breasts

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps ?
A: Yes, baby lips

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth ?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to breastfeed.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from breastfeeding ?
A: When you see teeth marks

Q: What is the grasp reflex ?
A: The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while breasfeeding ?
A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ?
A: Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly

Q: What causes baby blues ?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos

Q: What is colic ?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control

Q: What are night terrors ?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again

Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born ?
A: No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to act normal ?
A: Possibly when the kids are in college

The Delivery

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced in his lfe before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the milkman was dead on their porch!

Page updated 21st Nov 2013, 10:39
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